The reason I started this blog is because I have ADD. There aren't many people who truly understand what makes me tick and why I'm so quirky at times. You might get your feelings hurt if you don't really understand how my mind works. I seem like I don't care enough to remember what you told me yesterday, or that I don't find you interesting when I zone out and haven't heard you talking and I have to ask you to repeat yourself. It's not that I don't care, it's that it takes much more effort for me to remember things people tell me or even to pay attention than those without ADD. Some write it off as an excuse and we really don't become close friends. Others, however, realize I'm trying my best and we become great friends. They realize that I truly do care, perhaps more than the average person. I'd do anything for my friends and family.
Growing up my parents didn't realize what was going on with me. It wasn't their fault. My mom has ADD too, so she just thought that everyone dealt with those things and other people rose above them so I should too. My father probably just thought I was lazy. Actually, I was told I was lazy quite a bit as a child by many different people. It was something that festered as I grew up. Was I really lazy? The Bible warns against laziness and yet I was lazy. What kind of Christian was I? Then I would think about my performance on the job. I had always been one of the top workers, almost a workaholic staying late to make sure I got everything done. So I couldn't be lazy right? I mean, you can't be both lazy and a good worker could you? This was all before I learned that I was ADD. I thought ADD was a joke. Everyone dealt with that. Everyone was flooded with several thoughts, everyone had a hard time getting things done, everyone had trouble remembering things and paying attention. ADD was an excuse for children to behave badly and parents to be off the hook. After all, I was pretty well behaved as a child. Actually, I got in trouble a lot. Much more than my younger sister. I was always talking back to my mom, I never got my chores done, I never got my work done at school, and I was always losing my temper. Looking back, I got in trouble a lot because I was ADD and no one knew it.
My almost 4 year old daughter gets in trouble a lot for the same things. It's very frustrating. I now see the world through my mother's eyes. I now realize why she lost her temper and yelled, because I do the same. And now that I see that, I try so hard to remember how hard it is for my daughter. Some days are harder than others. As a child I used to lose my temper quite often and beat up my little sister for making little annoying sounds that resonated in my head. Looking back I see now why I burst into such fits of anger. When everyone else could tune out the noise, I couldn't. I couldn't tune it out because it was all I heard. I would ask nicely, I would ask again, I would tell my parents and they would act like I was the one doing something wrong. On the surface it was ridiculous for me to be so obsessed with a single noise no one else seemed to hear, but in reality it was like torture to me. I've learned to control my temper and try hard to tune these things out. Some days are harder than others.
I try to be patient with other people. I realize that they don't really understand the amount of effort I put into so much that is so easy for them to do. I realize how easy it is to write it off as an excuse. I understand all that. And so I try so hard to be patient and to endure the ribs and the subtle or not so subtle remarks. And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Some days are harder than others. I try to stay positive and to not allow my aggravation and frustration get the better of me. I try hard not to yell at my kids or let my house become a wreck. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. All I can do is turn to God and ask for the strength to get through yet another day. I know in my own strength I'll yell at my children and allow my frustrations to overwhelm me. I know I'll want to scream and to cry. I know I will get nothing done and my house will stay in disarray. But with God's help I can remain my composure, I can get things done, I can show patience to my children. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
So yes, some days are harder than others. But when I fail, I failed because I relied on my own strength. It looks like medication is simply not an option for me. I'm currently wearing a heart monitor because of the craziness my body went through on Straterra. It's not likely a stimulant would be any better. So God is forcing me to rely more on Him. And I don't mind. It reminds me to grow closer to Him daily so that I can succeed daily.
No comments:
Post a Comment